This is my Public Service Announcement to you all: do NOT go see Beowulf and Grendel, I implore you. Oh my god, it was terrible. Gah. Words cannot express how much I hated this movie. As we all know, I adore anything that has men in chain mail clutching swords, braided beards, general dirt and muck, etc. — I can’t go wrong with this type of thing, and it’s usually enough to salvage otherwise mediocre films like Tristan & Isolde for me. But not today.
01. Sarah Polley, you’re a better actress than this. And would it have killed you to use some sort of accent? You were just a girl from Toronto (Aurora!) with bad hair transplanted onto some rocky landscape.
02. They modernized the language. No, really, Beowulf should never be heard saying the word “fuck”.
03. I could have gotten through life without seeing the outline of Stellan Skarsgård’s dick as his tunic wrapped itself tightly around him in the wind.
04. YOUNG CHILDREN SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEARDS.
05. Grendel could totally have cut the rope rather than cut his entire freaking arm OFF in order to escape.
06. Shetland ponies!
07. Gerard Butler would make a good Jesus.
08. The extended cast wins an award for the most number of people having a last name ending in “sson“.
09. I do believe my face was contorted into a “WTF?” expression the entire time.
In conclusion: Iceland is windy.
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